There Was a Time

There was a time when Christmas
Was the time of year my heart swelled with joy. 
Not a time that it sank, heavy with sorrow.
There was a time when the Christmas lights
Lifted my spirits to realms of glory
And the sound of Noel on the radio
Didn't cause an ocean of tears to pour down my cheeks.
There was a time when the Christmas wreaths portrayed the season
Not reminded me of the wreaths that lay on the fresh mound of soil
That kept your body while your spirit rose to heaven.
There was a time when the dreary winter nights
Meant warmth around a fire in joyous spirit.
Not a magnification of the sorrow within me.
There was a time when I longed for the scent of the pine tree,
Now the scent suffocates my aching heart with sadness.
There was a time Christmas carols brought a smile to my face
Now all they do is remind me that you are gone.
There was a time when Christmas was Christmas,
But everything changed at the turn of the eleventh hour
That fateful Christmas eve that you took your last breath.
There was a time......

Damaris Roulette

Gogo (Grandma) Ruth, praying I see you again in the afterlife. I love you so much. Memories of your radiant smile are my saving grace.  Agui (Grandpa) Isaiah, I can almost feel your arms holding me close whenever I think of you, which is often.

Free an Angel

One day when an angel breaks loose

When his freedom from heaven is granted,

I hope he finds his way to our home.

When God sees that he is ready to be born,

May he find grace to grow in my womb.

One day when an angel loses his way,

And finds not the door to heaven,

May he fall into our arms.

One day when an angel breaks loose

When The Lord sends him to earth,

May our lives be the path ordained for him.

Mizizi- Back to the Origin

Mizizi. That is Roots in Swahili. Some people say they experienced redemption, others say they found their identity when they chopped off the fried (oops! permed) hair they wore for years. Others say it was a break from the enslavement by hair crack. I don't know about all that. I believe each person has their own reason to go natural. Correction, go BACK to being natural. After all, that was the original form, right?

Come to think of it, I really do not know exactly why I decided to chop my chemical-treated hair. Was it the money I kept shelling out for the sets and styles? I shell about an equal amount whenever I go to a natural hair stylist if not more. Was it the broken hair strands I kept seeing on my comb and sink that drove me to the shear? I still see those same hairs when I do not take care of my natural mane well enough. Was it a desire for a different look? A different appeal? I think I look fabulous either way. Oh, did the million blogs that exist and peer pressure convince me to go for the big chop? Nope! Matter of fact, I was sure going natural was not going to be necessarily easier for me (much as my tangles are easy to manage).

I just know that one day I was tired of my edges that a horrible full lace stylist 'lined' to create a hairline I did not ask for. I wanted my natural hairline (all around) back and I did not have the patience to wait to nurse it back while hiding it with more damage (weaves and more full lace wigs). So I went for the big chop. Exhillarating! In the mirror I saw the high school girl I was 13 years ago. Soft, natural, curly brown hair. I smiled...... I am still smiling.

Reminiscing I - Friendships.

Lately I have been reminiscing about old friendships. Old ties that once colored each and every day. As I get older, I understand more now how people can and do drift apart. We grow up, we live, we love, and suddenly we are living in different places and it's no longer a short drive away to your doorstep. We made many memories you and I. The laughter we shared warms my heart still. The tears we shed still weigh heavy upon me. But I love that friendship has so many layers. The first layer starts at hello, then the weighing of whether I liked you or not. So many first impressions were not what they were. With you, we hit it off right from the start, with you, it took us a while to decide whether we qualified as friends, and with you, we grew to be inseparable - first layer of every friendship. Oh, life has a way of providing us what we lack through strangers that end up being soul sisters. The second layer is filled with visits, talks, chats, and get-togethers. It is perfect and effortless. Then life happens and the waves drifts us apart but only by distance. Speaking for myself, I still hold you close and dear to my heart. With time the old friendships are like fine wine, while new friendships continue to blosom, giving life a breath of freshness on a continual basis. I guess such is the cycle of friendship.

I find myself in awe of how the presence of friends weaves a fabric of comfort, confidence, and self-chosen sisterhood. Of course some friendships have taken a lot of work to get to where they are. But oh how beautiful the journey.There is this third layer I find myself in with so many friends that I do not get to see anymore or even hear from. The layer that is filled with memories, fond, and vibrant of what used to be. Sometimes I find myself crying when these moments engulf me. Then my extrovert nature reminds me that sometimes friendships are meant to last a lifetime, some to take you through a phase in life, and some to be in that friend's life in that period of her life to see her through, to hold her hand. Then I smile because I accomplished something, often unbeknownst to me at the time.

For those I have had the grace to still hear their voices, feel their hug and see their faces as we catch up, I cherish the moments, because life goes on, and we might grow apart, but in distance only.
I don't know which layer goodbyes really fall into. I guess like thieves, they could come in any of the three layers. If goodbye came for you and I, it was wonderful having you as a friend. But I cling to the hope that if it hasn't robbed us of this beautiful thing we share, it will never come because even when you go away, the friendship lives on. Even when life pulls you away to it's other priorities, may the light always shine. Even if darkness clouds your world, you will know that you can reach out and find my hand waiting for yours. Even if your burdens seem heavy and you feel alone, you will remember that as long as we once were friends, you never have to be alone.

Pray For Ian: our words

Pray For Ian: our words: On Desiring God : The Story of Ian and Larissa video Part 1: Why We Got Married Part 2: Learning Contentment in Suffering Part 3: A D...

Love like the wind

Like the wind whistles as it hits the willow tree
Like the wind makes the waters ripple,
Let your love flow without holding back.
Let the song that comes from the rustling leaves
Be the music that keeps your feet dancing.
Let the sway that comes from the bending branches
be the dance that keeps your heart merry.
Love like the wind; love unabashedly.
Let your love flow like a river
Like waters flowing down the Nile.
Let it bring what it carries, let it wash over rocks
And dry ground that thirsts for water.
Quench the thirst of the cracked clay
Of river beds long dried up.
Let it bring life to dying seed that life may spring anew.
Love like the wind, let your breeze bring cool to desert lands.
Let your wings bring dying ambers back to flame.
Love like the wind.

Masterpiece

It's not easy living in today's world.

Everyday is a challenge

Every day is a battle.

The sun rises in the eyes of those around you

How is it you only see darkness within you?

The burdens of today seem so heavy

The pain cuts like a knife.

But you are human my friend

Don't be so hard on yourself.

The falls of today seem so damaging

The depths of loneliness so scary.

But take it easy on yourself my friend

Accept the things you cannot change

And seek solace in your Creator.

Seek forgiveness of yourself; love the face you see in the mirror.

You are an awesome creation -

One of a kind. There's no other you.

Learn from your mistakes - they are meant to make you stronger

Not to break you. 

Be the friend you would like; check in on yourself often. 

Be the lover you desire; do not lose yourself to fulfill another soul's dream.

Be you, always always.

Reach out within you my friend

And see that a beautiful soul resides in you.

Keep your head up; life is so full of disappointments. 

And our hearts break in so many ways...

Into so many pieces.

But look! Each time you get back up,

You are a new soul, and like the potter's clay, stronger and firmer with each kneading that life affords you.

Do not drag yourself through self-judgement and discouragement;

The world already does that

So why add on to it?

You possess success; you just have to claim it.

Your battle is already won; you just have to realize your victory.

When darkness seems to creep in,

Watch for the break of dawn.

The world is always turning; in a few,

The sun will be shining in your face. 

Be positive even to yourself

You possess what you confess. 

Let everyday be a chance

To see it all anew. 

Let every pain be a reminder

That you are only human.

Let every breathe you take be a sign

That God has your back and He loves you.

So love yourself like He does,

Cherish yourself like He does you.

You are after all, His masterpiece.

The Burdens of an Immigrant Soul

The immigrant soul bears so many burdens. Many times the future looks bleak.
But he has to keep his head up, if only to beat the odds.
The curious stares, the weird looks, the strange reception.
The hurting comments of some that cut to the core
For the simple fact of where he was born.
He speaks with a strange accent, some words are alien even to his tongue.
Fitting in is the struggle; Acceptance the hope of his fiery spirit.
Success is the desire of his heart, but often, so much is against him.
All of a sudden the struggles of the poor village he hails from,
the lack of and hunger for a better life face him in a strange land.
The needs are the same, only no longer third world.
The need for a car, air conditioning, money in the pocket.....
These developed necessities for a soul uprooted from a simpler life.
But oh immigrant soul, I cry to you.
Don't let your burdens have you losing the love for life,
Don't hang yourself on that tree.... it breaks the heart of those that knew you, 
And those that relate to where you come from.
Don't give up oh immigrant spirit, it is after all one world that we live in.
Don't let the borders define you, let the ignorant think lesser of you; but not you dear brother!
The immigrant mind has dreams, higher than Mt. Kilimanjaro.
He has potential that even he doesn't recognize.
So much strength to draw from the Sun, Asis, Ngai, the Creator.
Nyasaye the Supreme hasn't deserted you. Like a lion he roars within you.
The immigrant soul lives his life behind in search of a better one.
Sometimes, he loses his way, and the bonds of the past fade away.
Sad as it may be oh immigrant soul, you can come back home
To the soil that bore you, to the people that bid you farewell and with open arms,
Still await your return.
Chukwu watches over you, kindred spirit. Do not lose hope in this dreary land.
While you seek the dream you came to find oh  immigrant spirit
Do not forget that Unkulunkulu loves you for who you are, no matter where you are.
You may be far from home, but the strength of your ancestors dwell within you.
You only have to stay strong, live strong, push strong.
Atum has not forgotten you oh immigrant soul,
Even in your asylum, He still is God and watches over you.
The burdens of an Immigrant Soul are many.....
How I wish it wasn't so.

Marital Musings

Seven months today........yep! Time flies fast doesn't it?Pretty soon one year will be here and gone.

 Days have been busy. But soon I will have a little more free time. Then maybe I will start on some new things. Knitting, baking, watching live TV (people still do that? my DVR is the best thing since cell phones), wifely stuff eh?  Who am I kidding? I am sure other things will pop up, (like the Groupon deal I bought for an online course to be certified as an ESL teacher). Or the two week road trip we are planning and more to come.

What was I gonna write about? yeah, musings on marriage. Settling in to marriage has wisened me, taught me patience, resilience, and above all, forgiveness. Learning to forget, let go, start over every day has a whole new meaning in this institution. Loving him unconditionally gives back the same; Giving selflessly brings satisfaction. But faith in God has everything to do with it all. How else would a marriage stay strong? How else would one find where to draw strength from?

I like the stage in life I am in. I like the maturity marriage has brought me. The wisdom it has endowed me. Wisdom regarding friends in my circle, family in my realm, and above all, wisdom to understand the depth of the vows we took. I like the peace and assurance my heart feels, knowing someone's got my back for life. I like the nuclear functioning my daily life has become, the new priorities in the day to day living. As our journey continues, I pray God's path for us remains clear. I pray that my role remains clear in this love triangle, this cord of three strands (Wife, Husband and God).

Sincerely,
Mrs. Roulette

Radical Prayers for Radical results

Happy Sunday!

I had Joel Osteen speaking to me this morning as I was getting ready for church. He was talking about asking our Father for whatever we need. He (God) promises us His kingdom, but how often do we ask? We expect Him to read our minds (He is God after all, right?). Mathew 7:7 says:Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you. (KJV). Wow, that is all I have to do. As His Child, He promises me all these things. So is it too much to ask for what seems way out of reach? Nope. He does not put a cap on how much He can provide (Like insurance does). 

It would be sad if when I showed up before the Lord, He says, "Look what I had in store for you! All these had your name on them; you just had to ask". I would prolly be kicking myself too if I saw this lovely house I had always wanted and was too scared to ask my Father because I thought it was too grand a request, too radical a prayer. 

At this point in my life, I am blessed to have found a life partner I had always prayed for. I now await more of His blessings (children, advancement in career for me and my hubby, etc). But is that enough to pray for? So I declare greatness to the children He will give us, I speak victory in whatever they endeavor to do in life....After all, God knew me before I was formed in my mother's womb. Surely He knows my children and surely He has their blessings already and all I need do is just ask?

Somehow growing up I used to wonder if I would be a preacher's wife. Flimsy thought, I might say, especially now being married and my husband not being a pastor. But he has a calling, He just needs to accept it. His mom talks about it with conviction (she is a pastor) and so in that, I have a radical prayer; that God not only touches him to commit to being the spiritual leader of our household, but to be a vessel to bless others too. I pray one day it will be that we can open and study the Bible TOGETHER as husband and wife, grow together spiritually and understand the purpose God has for us in this institution and covenant of marriage that we got into. 

So I will wait. I will wait upon the Lord.

I pray He molds me into the vessel He desires of me. I pray He works through me to the glory of His name. My human mind puts limits of what I can be, but His word is clear as to how He can bless us beyond measure. I am a broken pot, in need of mending in so many ways. Every day I strive to look within me and see what I can change. But none of my efforts are meaningful if I do not place my trust and faith in God. And that is the challenge....Letting go, and letting God. I need to let Him be the driver of my soul, the guide for my life, and quit trying to be so smart. Yep, I said it.

Radical prayer for radical results.  Teach me Lord how to pray thus.

Blessings!!

Working for Rachel.....Getting Leah

The story of Jacob is fascinating. More so his love for Rachel. Brother loved her so much that he worked seven years for her father to earn her hand in marriage. In today's world it may be impractical to do so, and women are not considered property as they were in Jacob and Laban's time. The story goes on to say that Jacob got duped. Yep, he got the wrong sister! Dang! So what does he do? He observes another seven days of wedding celebrations and then gets his 'right' sister. But the deal was that he work another seven years for Rachel. SMH. And he did. Oh how hard he worked. The flock of sheep and herds of cattle increased while he worked for Laban. You would think Laban would let him off early but nope. Free labor.

So dude had two wives (sisters). And unlike my grandpa (yes, my grandpa had two wives as was allowed in the olden African traditions), he did not love them equally. Matter-of-fact, the Bible says he hated Leah. Poor soul. Is it not enough that she must have suffered ridicule over her cross-eyes? Some have interpreted the 'tender-eyed' statement as meaning she had wandering eyes. Rachel is described as lovely and shapely and all that jazz. Can't stand her already!

So Jacob's Leah has six children (and two by her maid). That was some kind of system... Pimping your husband to the handmaid just to have more kids. I am thinking herpes, AIDS, crabs, clap, but that is this not something they dealt with I reckon or someone would have written about it somewhere between all those wives, handmaids, and concubines and stuff, right? Rachel the pretty one is barren by God's doing...but of course there was the pimping option. ;-).

The story gets more interesting but read at your own time if you forgot the story or are not familiar with it. (Genesis 29).

Now I ask myself, who is my Rachel? What is my Rachel? I know I had a Rachel at some point in life...the male version. The dream of a knight in shining armor, the men I felt should be the one. But they had the spirit of Rachel, and were a sight on the outside but inside, had nothing to offer me that God willed for me. Don't get me wrong, I did not settle for a Leah. (My hubby is not cross-eyed or nothing, and boy is he a looker! And all mine I must add). I prolly could say I got a Jacob. LOL! My Rachels have been in form of desires and hopes that I think will bring me joy, my efforts to have more while neglecting to see that Leah is my blessing. My Leah could be the job I have now despite dreaming of a more affluent career. My Leah could be the friends around me that I at times take for granted, while seeking closeness and bonds with those who do not value me.

So many Rachels, so many Leahs.

So when you have a Leah, see through the tender eyes, see the blessings God has in store for you in her. When you have a Rachel, don't despise the Leah. Oh yeah, and God has a purpose for Rachel too. Remember Joseph? Remember Benjamin? Sometimes life is full of disappointments, oftentimes we do not see the blessings God showers us because we have grandiose requests, and we forget the little blessings that are actually BIG blessings. Good health, peaceful country, loving marriages, genuine friends, and family.

The story of Jacob, refreshed through Pastor Kung'u's sermon yesterday was a blessing. And I hope you are blessed by this too.

Peace.

When A Friend Moves Away....

So I guess we really are growing up. You meet people, you get to like people, you marry one of them (hey baby!), you build friendships, then some up and decide they are changing zip codes on ya. Yep, Sonnie Gee is off the single scene (and off with a Prince Charming that hails from North Carolina). He charmed her out of our 'see you in ten at mi ranchito' zone and now it's gonna be a flight or more away (happy hour will long be gone gal!!!).

I am so sad!!!

And happy for her at the same time.

Did my friends feel the same way when I got married and sorta 'disappeared' from the social scene as a single woman? Did they feel 'left behind', 'jilted', 'dropped', 'neglected', even a tard bit upset that the musketeer club was breaking apart? I know I feel that way right now with Sonnie up n sayin' she is leavin' on a jet plane to who knows where in NC.

You see, Sonnie is one of those friends I have, we don't talk often but pick up like time never mattered when we do get on the phone. She is super lady-like and carries a hair brush which she uses hourly when out, she retouches her lipstick a hundred times, she wears heels like 24/7. She is too cute! :-) I don't do any of that girlie stuff. She loooooves attention and her beauty demands it (this Mr. Right better keep up the attention). I'm cool being in the booth and watching people as I sip on my margarita. She loves flowers, my Lord she does! I think she should have a rose garden in her backyard in NC. I doubt Sonnie deals with acne or breakouts. Her face is always perfect. Saiya and I on the other hand have shares with Mary Kay tryna fight acne....and I am 30 years old for God's sake! She likes her bourborn from a flask, crystal. The only other time I had ever seen one was on TV (The Bold & The Beautiful). I could go on and on about the precious little things I know about Sonnie but the greatest is that she has a heart of gold that even she does not know I don't think. She might be all Barbie Doll (in a good way) on the outside, but inside she is an angel. And I will miss that.

She says she has found Mr. Right.....for that reason I am super excited for her. I try to keep in touch with my girlfriends so that they don't feel so forgotten with me having gotten married and all.  And I love that my husband reminds me to call and check on them when he hasn't heard me say their names in a couple of days....so sweet! I hope Sonnie does too (I am thinking about myself here).

Now that is one less fish in the sea (well, and one less fisherman at that so I guess the market forces remain as they are). 

So I am already planning a trip up there sometime in my head (already!). I meet her tonight for a bite to catch up and say our fare wells till we meet. But it changes stuff when a friend moves away. You don't see them often when they are close, but when they move you miss them so much! You don't notice their absence much when they are a short drive away but when they change states you suddenly feel like the city is empty without them. It's messed up but I am happy for her.

Friends add flavor to life - some when they come, some when they go :-).  Sonnie addds a vibrancy to my life that only she can. This does not sound like she is dying does it? It is not a eulogy people! I am celebrating friendship.

I will miss Sonnie Gee but I know come summer time (May 11th to be specific), she better show up for my graduation!

Three Months Today!

Well, well, well! Who knew! Three months today. Settling in alright and easier than I thought. And yes, I have been trying to cook and also get him to cook. :-)
The mother-in-law is asking if she is a grandma on our side of town yet...smh. Babies are work, even making them, LOL! It takes time for some people right? For now, it is awesome enjoying this new status of being Mrs. Roulette. When those little mugs come around God willing, it will be awesomer (that is a word, right?).
So this blogging thing, I think I will keep it open. To Year One, to my natural hair journey, to family, friends, and life in general. Politics will prolly not show its face here, (but I want that dress Michelle wore the day her hubby, well, our hubby, won the election a second time).
So it is downtime, seldom do I get those at work anymore, and I am browsing the web. Curly Nikki is tonight's discovery. Awesome writer! I love how she connects with the reader so easily.

Anywho, gotta go but will try to post more often coz sure as heck a lot is goin' on in my life! They call it growin' up. Whattt??! Yeah. Love it tho!

#dimples#